Last week, I had a technical analysis for my Project Development and Management course. Based on the feedback of the panelists, we made a big joke of ourselves. We did a substandard job. Later that day, I felt the weight of the comments and feedback (most of them negative) and so the tiredness. Days with no sleep or the lack of it made my temples throb. My groupmates decided to call it a day. In our dorm room, I sobbed in front of my sister which I haven't done for a long time. I usually never show her when I cry. I like crying alone. I said that I really wanted to write. I don't feel happy anymore after giving my best effort. If only I could do what I really love to do. 

But here I am, on my last year on an Engineering Course, that I am going to finish because I didn't feel like shifting and that I wanted to finish what I started no matter how difficult the Program I entered in. 

This is my best effort of trying to finish something and get a degree. But deep inside, I really want to write. Whenever I am walking, I say a mantra related to my dream or think of my future as a writer. From where I am, all is but a dream. 

As the cliche goes, life is a journey. I hope that I am on a detour. That I have to take life one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time. Maybe this is all a test of patience and that one way or another, I'd find the time to take that pen and write something. Revise and think of plots, characters and settings. 

I know being a writer is hard. All you can get is frustration and all your imperfection would be exposed. But I am willing to take that high road if at the end of the day, I will be happy. 

I want to be a writer because I have to tell a story, I have something to tell and that I want to learn to put into prose the images in my head. I want those images to take life and be alive in words. 

But for now, I have to face the reality of incoming deadlines that would lead me out of this semester and into a new one. 

it's an overwhelming feeling. just like the rain outside, hitting hard on the earth, like a deadly missile weapon from an unknown enemy. i feel the impossibility of the act - to complete a school requirement, an academic exercise that would take months, years to finish in real life. 

i read new articles from Pinoy Penman about how we discover writing in our life. now i am rediscovering writing. writing is an act i would like to do but have no luxury of time to do so. as, i was inspired. i tried writing. and here is what came out of it: 

She carried the basket through the village market. The grime on the path was glossy like baked asphalt, mixed with the smell of dried salted fish and vanilla-flavored red and green gelatin in cups. She sidestepped to a corner and stood between two vegetable stands.

Three sentences into writing and I stopped. I don't know what to do next, just like what i felt after staring hard at the word document of the technical feasibility outline. the whole paper is still a blank and we have barely gathered the complete data.

this kind of feeling is paralyzing, transporting me back in my grade school days, at the break of dawn. I had waken up early to study for a subject, that i am sure of. I was preparing my school things when it dawned on me - that feeling of burden, of taking up something that is larger than my own size. the feeling that i am carrying the world on my shoulders. 

i wish i could stop feeling this but i cant. we havent done anything. the gap is still large. do we have any choice? i don't know. what could help me? i wonder. i hope that Friday will be kind to me, the day of the love goddess. 

this sunday is no different from the other sundays i had. i was expected to attend mass. so i did. but i attended at the parish inside the university for a change. it was years the last time i attended mass there on a sunday. on the other days, i do attend. 

i'm just so happy that i did. the aural space is much better. the light comes from everywhere. it was a great sensory experience. few vehicles were coming and going. 

the homily is about true humility. the kind that you don't hide about. but rather you thank about with the knowledge that it comes from God Almighty. 

the priest also said that a humble person is a happy person. he doesn't have any burdens. he doesn't want to be on top but it doesn't mean he is not a conscientious and hard worker. 

lastly, a humble person is a generous person. marunong makipagkapwa (knows how to interact/socialize). since humility comes from a latin root word 'humus', a humble person listens to the voice of the earth; the poor, and the nature alike. 

last thursday, the last words of the presiding priest are etched on my mind. When Jesus comes back, he doesn't expect us to be victorious. But rather he expects us to be fighting. And I get it. In life, you can't expect it to be perfect and ideal. You have to work hard for it. 

friday, the homily is about the wisdom to be ready and prepared. the gospel is about 10 ladies in waiting that ran out of oil and weren't able to see the bridegroom because of their leniency. 

saturday, the gospel is the parable of the talents. i remember the famous saying that don't keep love hidden. share it. same with anything with life. for those who have many, more will be given. for those who have less, it will be taken away from them. i guess this attitude about abundance does not only apply in material wealth but in all aspects in life. 

i'm happy that i've changed my attitude about masses. i don't think that they are a waste of time. maybe this helps me because i am the kind of person who needs plenty of quiet time. i just hope that this wont lead to me having a "phobia" being around many people. 

i hope that i've shared something valuable to you today. Good luck to your life. God bless. And may you be in your journey safe and sound.